Chapter 6 - Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life

A brief review of previous chapters:  The first component of NVC is making an observation that is free of evaluation, the second component is expressing the true feeling(s) that are arising, and the third component is taking responsibility for our feelings by acknowledging the unmet human need(s)/value(s) that are causing our feelings.

Chapter 6 – Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life

Notes from Chapter 6:  Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg

The fourth component of NVC addresses the question of what we would like to request of others in order to enrich life for us.  We ask for actions that might fulfill our needs.

1. Make requests that use positive action language – we express what we are requesting.

Avoid making a request of what we don’t want (for example:  “Don’t do that.”)  There are two problems that can happen if a request is worded in the negative:  1) people are often confused or unclear as to what is actually being requested, and 2) negative requests are likely to provoke resistance.

Example:

A.  “Please don’t spend so much time at work.” (a request worded in the negative)

B.  “Would you be willing to spend at least one evening a week at home with the children and me.” (a request worded with positive action language)

2. Make requests that are clear and with concrete action language that reveals what we really want.  Word our requests in the form of concrete actions that others can undertake. 

Avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing:  1) Sometimes the use of vague and abstract language can mask the desire to maintain control and get needs met at the expense of the other person’s need; 2) vague requests are likely to provoke a defensive response.

Example: an employer inviting feedback from employees:

A.  ”I want you to feel free to express yourself around me.” (a vague request)

B.  “I’d like you to tell me what I might do to make it easier for you to feel free to express yourselves around me.” (a clear, positive, concrete action request)

--Requests that use vague language contribute to internal confusion and indicate that we are not clear about what we actually want.  Sometimes  a person believes that they have a need for love that manifests in a wish for the other to guess for them what their need or value might be before they are even aware of those needs themselves.  This lack of awareness of what we want from others can contribute to frustration and depression. 

3. Make requests consciously – engage in a dialog with someone (don’t talk at them).

Example:

A. “I’m annoyed you forgot the butter and onions I asked you to pick up for dinner.” (a vague request - a wife assumes that the husband will understand that she wants him to go back to the store, however the husband assumes that her words were intended solely to make him feel guilty).

B. “I see that you didn’t buy any butter or onions.  Would you be willing to go back to the store to buy them and bring them back home at the latest by 5:30 pm?” (a clear, positive, concrete request)

-- The clearer we are on what we want back from the other person, the more likely it is that our needs will be met.

-- Whenever we say something to another person we are requesting something in return:
1) requesting an empathetic connection – a verbal or nonverbal acknowledgment that our words have been understood;  2) requesting honest feedback – we wish to know the listener’s honest reaction to our words;  3) requesting an action the would fulfill our needs.

4. Asking for a Reflection – to make sure that the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back. 

The message we send is not always the message that’s received.  We generally rely on verbal cues to determine whether our message has been understood to our satisfaction.  If, however, we’re uncertain that it has been received as intended, we need to be able to clearly request a response that tells us how the message was heard so as to be able to correct any misunderstanding.  On some occasions, a simple question like, “Is that clear?” will suffice.  At other times, we need more than “Yes, I understood you,” to feel confident that we’ve been truly understood.  At such times, we might ask others to reflect back in their own words what they heard us say.  We then have the opportunity to restate parts of our message to address any discrepancy or omission we might have noticed in their reflection.

Example:  a teacher approaches a student

Teacher asks: “Peter, I got concerned when I checked my record book yesterday.  I want to make sure you’re aware of the homework I missing from you.  Will you drop by my office after school?”

Student replies: “Okay, I know.”

Teacher asks for a reflection: “Could you tell me what you just heard me say?”

Student replies: “You said I gotta miss soccer to stay after school because you didn’t like my homework.”

5. Express appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection – An assertion like “You didn’t hear me,” or That’s not what I said.” Or “Your misunderstanding me,” may easily lead someone to think or feel like they are being chastised.

Example:  the teacher perceives Peter as having sincerely responded to her request for a reflection.

Teacher : “Thank you for telling me what you heard.  I can see that I didn’t make myself as clear as I’d have liked, so let me try again.”

6. Empathize with the listener who doesn’t want to reflect back - When we first begin asking others to reflect back what they hear us say, it may feel awkward and strange because such requests are rarely made.  When I emphasize the importance of our ability to ask for reflections, people often express reservations.  They are worried about reactions like, “What do you think I am –deaf?” or “Quit playing your psychological games.”  To prevent such responses, we can explain to people ahead of time why we may sometimes ask them to reflect back our words.  We make clear that we’re not testing their listening skills, but checking out whether we’ve expressed ourselves clearly.  However, should the listener retort, “I heard what you said; I’m not stupid!”, we have the option to focus on their feelings and needs and ask – either aloud or silently, “Are you saying you’re feeling annoyed because you want respect for your ability to understand things?”

7. Requesting feedback (to understand what is alive for the other person in response to our request) – after we express ourselves vulnerably, we often want to know:

a) what the listener is feeling – the feelings that are stimulated by what we said, and possible needs/values causing those feelings.

b) what the listener is thinking – our listener’s thoughts in response to what they just heard us say.

c) whether the listener would be willing to take a particular action.

8. When speaking (and making a request) in a group - it is important to be clear about what we are wanting back from everyone because if we are unclear about the response we’d like (what kind of understanding or what kind of honest response we want back from them), then we initiate unproductive conversations and discussions that will end up not satisfying anyone’s needs (and which will waste the precious group time).

Requests vs. Demands

Requests unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs may sound like a demand.

A request may be received as a demand when the other person believes they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply.

When the other person hears a demand from us, they see two options: 1) submit; 2) rebel.  Either way, the person requesting is perceived as coercive, and the listener’s capacity to respond compassionately to the request is diminished.

The more we have in the past blamed, punished, or “laid guilt trips” on others when they haven’t responded to our requests, the higher the likelihood that our requests will now be heard as demands.  We also pay for the use of such tactics by others.  To the degree that people in our lives have been blamed, punished, or urged to feel guilty for not doing what others have requested, the more likely they are to carry this baggage to every subsequent relationship and hear a demand in any request.

How to tell if it is a request or a demand? Observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with:

1) It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges the other person after they hear that the answer is “no”.

2) It’s a demand if the speaker then “lays a guilt trip” on the other person after they hear that the answer is “no”.

We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating that we would only want the person to comply if he or she can do so willingly.

A. “I would like you to set the table.” (a demand)

B. “Would you be willing to set the table?” (a request) or “Would you like to set the table?”

It’s a request when the speaker can empathize with the other person’s feelings and needs after they say “no”.  We demonstrate that we are making a request rather than a demand by how we respond when others don’t comply.  Choosing to request rather than demand does not mean we give up when someone says “no” to our request.  It does mean that we don’t engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what’s preventing the other person from saying “yes”.

Our primary purpose is a commitment to the quality of the relationship – Expressing genuine requests also requires and awareness of our objective.  If our objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get our way, then NVC is not an appropriate tool.  The process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately.  The objective of NVC is to establish a relationship based on honesty and empathy.  When others trust that our primary commitment is to the quality of the relationship, and that we expect this process to fulfill everyone’s needs, then they can trust that our requests are true requests and not camouflaged demands.

When making a request, it is also helpful to scan our minds for thoughts of the following sort that automatically transform requests into demands:

- He should be cleaning up after himself.

- She’s supposed to do what I ask.
- I deserve to get a raise.
- I’m justified in having them stay later.
- I have a right to more time off.