“People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they
take of them.” --Epictetus
1) The third component of NVC is acknowledgment of the root of
our feelings.
2) We become aware that what others say and do may be the
stimulus of our feelings, but never the cause of our feelings. Our feelings result from how we choose to
receive what others say and do, as well as our particular needs and
expectations in that moment.
3) When someone gives us a negative message, whether verbally
or nonverbally, we have four options as to how to receive it:
- To take it
personally by hearing blame and criticism (accepting the other person’s
judgment and blaming ourselves) which inclines us to feelings of guilt, shame,
and depression, and at a great cost to our self-esteem.
- To blame the
speaker by asserting that they are wrong and have no right to say what they
said, and thereby being likely to feel anger.
- Sensing our own
feelings and needs by shining the light of consciousness (focusing our
attention) on our own feelings and needs. (There might be a current feeling of
hurt because of unmet need for respect or recognition).- Sensing others’ feelings and needs by shining the light of consciousness on the other person’s feelings and needs as they are currently expressed.
4) We accept responsibility rather than blame other people for our feelings by acknowledging our own needs, desires, and expectations, values, or thoughts.
Example:
A: “ You disappointed me by not coming over last
evening.” (blaming the other)B: “I was disappointed when you didn’t come over, because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me.” (taking responsibility)
5) Guilt-tripping is a mechanism of motivation by guilt by attributing the responsibility for one’s own feelings to others. If someone changes their behavior in accordance to the others' wishes, they are not acting from the heart, but acting to avoid guilt.
6) Some common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings:
- The use of
impersonal pronouns such as “it” and “that”:
“It really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public
brochures.” “ That bugs me a lot.”
- Statements that mention only the actions of others:
“When you don’t call me on my birthday, I feel
hurt.” “Mommy is disappointed when you
don’t finish your food.”
- The use of the expression “I feel (an emotion)
because…” followed by a person or personal pronoun other than “I”: “I feel hurt because you said you don’t love
me.” “I feel angry because the supervisor broke her promise.”
7) In each of these instances, we can deepen our awareness of
our own responsibility by substituting the phrase , “I feel…because I…”
“I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that
appear in our public brochures, because I have an expectation for our company
to project a professional image.”
“I feel angry that the supervisor broke her promise, because
I was expecting on getting that long weekend to visit my brother.”
8) Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of
others are all alienated expressions of our needs. If someone says, “You never understand me,”
they are really telling us that their need to be understood in not being
fulfilled. If a wife says, “You’ve been
working late every night this week; you love your work more than you love me,”
she is saying that her need for intimacy is not being met.
9) If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting
them met.
10) When we express our needs indirectly through the use of
evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear
criticism. And when people hear anything
that sounds like criticism they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or
counterattack. If we are wishing for a
compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs
by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior.
Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs
the easier it is for others to respond compassionately to our needs.
11) Unfortunately, most of us have never been taught to think in
terms of needs. We are accustomed to
thinking about what’s wrong with other people when our needs aren’t being
fulfilled. Thus, if we want coats to be
hung up in the closet, we may characterize our children as lazy for leaving
then on the couch. Or we may interpret
our co-workers as being irresponsible when they don’t go about their tasks as
we would prefer them to.
12) If we don’t value our own needs others may not either.
13) In a world where we are often harshly judged for identifying
and revealing our needs, doing so can be frightening, especially for women who
are socialized to ignore their own needs while caring for others.
14) Three stages in the development from emotional slavery to
emotional liberation:
Stage 1: Emotional
Slavery – we believe ourselves responsible for the feelings of others. We think we must constantly strive to keep
everyone happy. If they don’t appear
happy, we feel responsible and compelled to do something about it. This can easily led us to see the very people
who are closest to us as burdens. This
can particularly happen in intimate relationships if someone experiences love
as denial of one’s own needs in order to attend to the needs of the beloved.
Stage 2: “Obnoxious”: we feel angry; we no longer want to be
responsible for others’ feelings. In
this stage we become aware of the high costs of assuming responsibility for
others’ feelings and trying to accommodate them at our own expense. When we notice how much of our lives we’ve
missed and how little we have responded to the call of our own soul, we may get
angry. We tend toward comments
like: “That’s your problem! I’m not responsible for your feelings!” when presented with another person’s
pain. We are clear what we are not
responsible for, but have yet to learn how to be responsible to others in a way
that is not emotionally enslaving.
As we emerge from the stage of emotional enslavement, we may
continue to carry remnants of fear and guilt around having our own needs. Thus it is not surprising that we end up
expressing those needs in ways that sound rigid and unyielding to the ears of
others. In this stage we have yet to
grasp that emotional liberation entails more than simply asserting our own
needs.
Stage 3: Emotional
liberation: we take responsibility for our intentions and actions. We respond to the needs of others out of
compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame.
Our actions are therefore fulfilling to us, as well as to those who
receive our efforts. We accept full
responsibility for our own intentions and actions, but not for the feelings of
others. At this stage we are aware that we can never meet our own needs at the
expense of others. Emotional
liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we
are equally concerned that the needs of other be fulfilled. 
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