Chapter 10 - Expressing Anger Fully

Chapter 10 Notes from Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

Expressing Anger Fully

The first step is to reframe how we see the other person by ridding ourselves of the idea that they are the cause of our anger.  Mistakenly seeing others as the cause leads us to express anger superficially by blaming or punishing the other person.  The behavior of others may be the stimulus for our feelings, but not the cause.  We are never angry because of what others say or do.  The first step in the process of fully expressing our anger is to realize that what other people do is never the cause of how we feel. 

The cause of anger lies in our thinking - in thoughts of blame and judgment.  Whenever we are angry we are finding fault - we choose to play God by judging or blaming the other person for being wrong or deserving of punishment.  Next, rather than going up in our head to make a mental analysis of wrongness regarding somebody, we choose to connect to the life that is within us.  This life energy is most palpable and accessible when we focus on what we need in each moment.

Example:

Someone arrives late for an appointment (the stimulus)

If our need in that moment is:

----for reassurance that she cares about us --------it might cause us to feel hurt
----to spend time purposefully and constructively ---------it might cause us to feel frustrated
----for 30 minutes of quiet solitude ----------it might cause us to feel grateful and pleased

So we can choose to focus on what needs were not met rather than judging and blaming someone.

Or...we can choose to focus on what needs were alive for the other person.

Use anger as a wake-up call -- at the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled, thus anger can be valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up - to realize we have a need that isn't being met and that we are thinking in away that makes it unlikely to be met.  Anger co-opts our energy by directing it toward punishing people rather than meeting our needs.

Replace the phrase: "I am angry because they ___________", with the phrase:  "I am angry because I am needing ___________".

[Anger is about the belief of "This is unfair" or "I am not getting what I deserve"]

Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment.

When we frighten people or cause them to feel sufficient guilt or shame so that they change their ways, this causes violence in that we may have solved an immediate problem, but we have created another problem, because the more people hear blame or judgment, the more defensive and aggressive they become, and the less they will care about our needs in the future.  Even if people do what we want now, we will pay for it later.