Chapter 4 - Identifying and Expressing Feelings

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

by Marshall Rosenberg

 

Chapter 4 (Workbook, plus additional notes)

Identifying and Expressing Feelings

(the second component)

 

1.  Psychoanalyst Rollo May suggests that there are two ways to be aware of feelings:  1) like a bugle call - limited notes; or 2) like a symphony - a person can become able to differentiate feelings into as many nuances, strong and passionate experiences, or delicate and sensitive ones, as in the different passages of music in a symphony.

 

2.  According to Rosenberg, American education tends to focus on teaching students "the right way to think" as defined by those who hold positions of rank and authority, as well to wonder: "What is it that others think is right for me to say and do?"

 

3.  According to Rosenberg, people in certain careers such as lawyers, engineers, police officers, corporate managers, and career military personnel, have even more difficulty than the rest of us in identifying and expressing feelings because their professional codes discourage them from manifesting emotions.

 

4.  A women expresses the following to her husband: "I feel as though I am living with a wall."  1) This kind of statement is unlikely to bring her feelings and desires to her husband's attention.  2) This is likely to be heard as criticism rather than an invitation to connect with her feelings.  3) It can lead to self-fulfilling prophecies (a husband, for example, hears himself criticized for behaving like a wall; he is hurt and discouraged and doesn't respond, thereby confirming his wife's image of him as a wall.)

 

5.  The advantages of expressing our feelings are that expressing our vulnerability helps resolve conflicts, and it opens up communication by helping people find safety and understanding.

 

6.  Distinguishing feelings from thoughts - When the words "I feel" could be more accurately replaced with "I think". 

1) Feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by:

 

a) words such as that, like, as if:

"I feel that you should know better."

"I feel like a failure."

"I feel as if I'm living with a wall."

 

b) the pronouns I, you, he, she, they, it:

"I feel I am constantly on call."

"I feel it is useless."

 

c) names or nouns referring to people:

"I feel Amy has been pretty responsible."

"I feel my boss is being manipulative."

 

2) Distinguishing between actual feelings and those that describe what we think we are:

 

"I feel inadequate as a guitar player." - the actual feeling behind this assessment of being "inadequate" could be disappointment, impatience, frustration, or some other emotion, for example: "I feel disappointed in myself as a guitar player."

 

3) Distinguish between feelings and expressions of how we think others are reacting or behaving toward us:

 

"I feel unimportant to the people with whom I work." - the actual feeling behind this belief about how we think others are reacting or behaving toward us - could be sadness or discouragement.

"I feel sad when I think about the people with whom I work."

 

4) Distinguishing between feelings and assessments of another persons abilities.

"I feel misunderstood".  (the actual feeling may be anxious or annoyed).

 

5) Distinguishing between feelings and interpretations of the actions of others.

"I feel ignored." (the actual feeling may be relief or hurt depending on what we are wanting).

 

7.  The following words are example of words that are not true feelings because they have feelings mixed with evaluation:

 

abandoned

abused

attacked

betrayed

bullied

cheated

coerced

cornered

intimidated

let down

manipulated

misunderstood

neglected

patronized

pressured

provoked

put down

rejected

taken for granted

threatened

unappreciated

unwanted

used

8.  It is better to identify specific emotions rather than depend upon expressions like "I feel good" and "I feel bad" because these vague feelings prevent the listener from connecting easily with what we might actually be feeling.

Some examples:

"I feel excited."
"I feel happy."
"I feel peaceful."
 -or-
"I feel anxious."
"I feel sad."
"I feel dissatisfied."
 

9.  For a list of feeling words visit the CNVC website:

http://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory

 





Chapter 3 - Observing Without Evaluating

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

By Marshall B. Rosenberg

Key Concepts - Chapter 3

 (Key points based on the Workbook questions, and book notes.)

Observing Without Evaluating

 

1.  In the first component of NVC, we speak in a way that separates observation from evaluation:  expressing clear observations of people and behaviors that are free of judgment, criticism, or other forms of analysis.

 

2.  The reason for separating these two is that when observation is combined with evaluation we decrease the likelihood that others will hear our intended message.  Instead, they are apt to hear criticism and will most likely resist what we are saying.

 

3.  The difference between "static language" and "process language" is that "static language" is about stability, constants, similarities, normal, simple problems, and final solutions, and "process language" is about change, differences, functions, relationships, interactions, developing, learning, coping, and complexity.

 

4.  NVC recommends avoiding even positive or neutral labels of people, for example: "a responsible child", "a cook", "a pretty blond", because these limit our perception of the totality of another person's being.

 

5.  An observation needs to be free of inferences of what another person is thinking or wanting.  Examples of such inferences: "He thinks only he has anything worth saying" or "He wants to be the center of attention all the time".

 

6.  When the words "always", "never", "ever", "only", "whenever", "seldom", and "frequently" are used as exaggerations, they often provoke defensiveness rather than compassion.  These words are forms of "static language", and contain an observation mixed with evaluation.

 

Examples:

 

"You are always busy." (an evaluation)

"The last three times I asked you to the movies, you said you had work you needed to catch up on." (an observation free from evaluation)

 

"You seldom do what I want." (an evaluation)

 "The last three times I suggested an activity, you said you didn't want to go." (an observation free from evaluation)

 

 

Further examples of distinguishing observations from evaluations:

 

"You are too generous." (an evaluation)

"Each day last week you gave all your lunch money to Susan and Bob." (an observation free from evaluation)

 

"Doug procrastinates." (an evaluation)

"Doug studied for the final exam the night before." (an observation free from evaluation)

 

"She won't get her work in." (an evaluation)

"She told me yesterday that she wasn't going to get her work in." (an observation free from evaluation)

 

"If you don't eat balanced meals, your health will be impaired." (an evaluation)

"I see that you are eating a bowl of cereal for dinner." (an observation free from evaluation)

 

"Minorities don't take care of their property." (an evaluation)

"The lawn is almost a foot high at the corner of Ross St.". (an observation free from evaluation)

 

"Hank Smith is a poor soccer player."  (an evaluation)

"Hank Smith has not scored a goal in the last 20 games." (an observation free from evaluation)

 

"Jim is ugly." (an evaluation)

"Yesterday I saw that Jim has red pimples on his face." (an observation free from evaluation)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 2 - Communication That Blocks Compassion

Reading Review

Communication That Blocks Compassion

Chapter 2 from the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

(Part 1 for chapter 2, from the workbook)

1) The phrase "life-alienating communication" refers to specific forms of language and communication that Rosenberg believes contribute to people behaving violently toward each other and themselves.

2) Some forms of life-alienating communication are:
- moralistic judgments -- implies wrongness or badness on the part of people who don't act in harmony with our values.  For example: "She's lazy."
- making comparisons -- measuring or comparing oneself or others against the highest standards (the people who are the most beautiful, successful, etc.) in the world.
- denial of responsibility -- clouds our awareness that we each are responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. For example: "I cleaned my room because I had to."
- demands -- explicitly or implicitly threatening listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply.
- deserve language -- certain actions merit reward and while others merit punishment.  For example: "He deserves to be punished for what he did."

3) Our analyses and judgments of other human beings are tragic expressions of our own needs and values.

4) This is tragic because when we express our needs and our values in this form, we increase defensiveness and resistance to our needs and values among the very people whose behaviors are of concern to us.

5) When people do what we want them to do out of fear, guilt, or shame (rather than out of a desire to give from the heart) then it is likely that in the future we will experience the consequences of diminished goodwill (when they comply with our needs and values out of a sense of either external or internal coercion). And they pay emotionally too:  they are likely to feel resentment and decreased self-esteem when they respond to us out of fear, guilt, or shame.

6) Each time others associate us in their minds with feelings of fear, guilt, or shame, we decrease the likelihood of their responding compassionately to our needs and values in the future.

7) It is important not to confuse value judgments and moralistic judgments.  We all make value judgments as to the qualities we value in life, for example: we might value honesty, freedom, or peace.  Value judgments reflect our beliefs of how life can best be served.  Moralistic judgments are when people and behaviors fail to support our value judgments and we insinuate wrongness when our values have not been met.  For example: "Violence is bad." or "People who kill others are evil."

8) Some examples of words or phrases that obscure awareness of personal responsibility and choice:
-- "have to" as in "There are some things you have to do, whether you like it or not."
-- "makes one feel" as in "You make me feel guilty."
-- "had to" as in "I had to." "Company policy." "It was the law." ("office talk" or "bureaucratese")

9) A "demand", as defined by Rosenberg, is when our desires are communicated in a way that explicitly or implicitly threaten listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply.  It is a common form of communication in our culture, especially among those who hold authority. 

10) Marshall Rosenberg's children taught him that he couldn't make them do anything because when he tried to make them wish they had done something with the threat of punishment, then they too had ways to make him wish he hadn't tried to punish them.

 

(The following is from a hand-out given out at a weekend workshop)

 

Life-Alienating Communication

 

Criticism

One form of Life-Alienated Communication is criticism implying wrongness or badness, e.g. "The problem with you is that you are too selfish (lazy, insensitive, inappropriate, etc.).  Other words for this kind of communication include "insults", "blame", "put downs", diagnoses", and "judgments".


Denial of Responsibility

A second form of Life-Alienated Communication denies personal responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions.  An example would be words such as "have to" in the phrase, "There are some things that you have to do, whether you like to do them or not."

We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute the cause of our action to:

• The actions of others ("I hit my child because he ran into the street.")
• Vague, impersonal forces ("I cleaned up my room because it was necessary.")
• Our psychological history, condition, diagnosis, or personal history ("I drink because I am an alcoholic.")
• To the dictates of authority ("I lied to the client because the boss told me to."
• To group pressure ("I started smoking because everyone else in the group was smoking."
• To institutional policies, rules, and regulations ("I gave grades to my student because it was the school district's policy.")
• To sex roles, social roles, or age roles ("I hate going to work but I do it because I am a father and a husband.")
• To uncontrollable impulses ("I was overcome by my urge to eat the candy bar.")

Demands

Demands are a third form of Life-Alienating Communication.  A demand, as defined within Nonviolent Communication, is a request which implicitly or explicitly threatens some form of blame or punishment if the request is not acted upon.


Justification of Reward and Punishment

A fourth form of Life-Alienating Communication is language associated with the concept that certain actions merit reward and certain actions merit punishment.  An example would be, "He deserves to be punished for what he did."

Chapter One - Giving From the Heart

Nonviolent Communication:  A Language of Life

By Marshall B. Rosenberg
 

Chapter 1:  Giving From the Heart

Reading Review – Assignment 1 from the Nonviolent Communication Workbook

1)  The author, Marshall B. Rosenberg, says that NVC evolved out of his exploration of two questions which had occupied him since childhood:
               
--  What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to act violently and exploitatively?
 
--  What allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?

2)  “Nonviolent Communication” is also known by the title: “Compassionate Communication”, “NVC” or “Giraffe Language”.  Some people have expressed discomfort with the word “nonviolent” in the title because they don’t perceive themselves engaging in “violent” speech.  Rosenberg explains that he uses the term nonviolence as Gandhi used it – to refer to our natural state of compassion when violence has subsided from the heart.  While we may not consider the way we talk to be “violent” our words often lead to hurt and pain, whether for others or ourselves.

3)  The purpose of NVC is to strengthen our ability to remain human, even under trying conditions and remind us how we humans were meant to relate to one another (mutual giving and receiving from the heart) – and assist us in living in a way that concretely manifests this knowledge.

4)  NVC differs from the way we often communicate by guiding us to reframe how we express ourselves and hear others so that our words become conscious responses based firmly on an awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting (instead of habitual, automatic reactions).  We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention.

5)  NVC is more than a process or a language because it is an ongoing reminder to keep our attention focused on a place where we are more likely to get what we are seeking:  a compassionate flow between ourselves and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.

6)  The two parts of the NVC model are:  1) expressing honesty through the four components;
and  2) receiving empathically through the four components

7)  The four components of the NVC model are:  1) observation 2) feeling 3) needs 4) request.

8)  Some areas or ways that NVC can be used in our lives and our society:  to create greater depth and caring in intimate relationships, to build more effective relationships at work, in negotiations in the political arena, and as a mediation process.