Chapter 3 - Observing Without Evaluating

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

By Marshall B. Rosenberg

Key Concepts - Chapter 3

 (Key points based on the Workbook questions, and book notes.)

Observing Without Evaluating

 

1.  In the first component of NVC, we speak in a way that separates observation from evaluation:  expressing clear observations of people and behaviors that are free of judgment, criticism, or other forms of analysis.

 

2.  The reason for separating these two is that when observation is combined with evaluation we decrease the likelihood that others will hear our intended message.  Instead, they are apt to hear criticism and will most likely resist what we are saying.

 

3.  The difference between "static language" and "process language" is that "static language" is about stability, constants, similarities, normal, simple problems, and final solutions, and "process language" is about change, differences, functions, relationships, interactions, developing, learning, coping, and complexity.

 

4.  NVC recommends avoiding even positive or neutral labels of people, for example: "a responsible child", "a cook", "a pretty blond", because these limit our perception of the totality of another person's being.

 

5.  An observation needs to be free of inferences of what another person is thinking or wanting.  Examples of such inferences: "He thinks only he has anything worth saying" or "He wants to be the center of attention all the time".

 

6.  When the words "always", "never", "ever", "only", "whenever", "seldom", and "frequently" are used as exaggerations, they often provoke defensiveness rather than compassion.  These words are forms of "static language", and contain an observation mixed with evaluation.

 

Examples:

 

"You are always busy." (an evaluation)

"The last three times I asked you to the movies, you said you had work you needed to catch up on." (an observation free from evaluation)

 

"You seldom do what I want." (an evaluation)

 "The last three times I suggested an activity, you said you didn't want to go." (an observation free from evaluation)

 

 

Further examples of distinguishing observations from evaluations:

 

"You are too generous." (an evaluation)

"Each day last week you gave all your lunch money to Susan and Bob." (an observation free from evaluation)

 

"Doug procrastinates." (an evaluation)

"Doug studied for the final exam the night before." (an observation free from evaluation)

 

"She won't get her work in." (an evaluation)

"She told me yesterday that she wasn't going to get her work in." (an observation free from evaluation)

 

"If you don't eat balanced meals, your health will be impaired." (an evaluation)

"I see that you are eating a bowl of cereal for dinner." (an observation free from evaluation)

 

"Minorities don't take care of their property." (an evaluation)

"The lawn is almost a foot high at the corner of Ross St.". (an observation free from evaluation)

 

"Hank Smith is a poor soccer player."  (an evaluation)

"Hank Smith has not scored a goal in the last 20 games." (an observation free from evaluation)

 

"Jim is ugly." (an evaluation)

"Yesterday I saw that Jim has red pimples on his face." (an observation free from evaluation)