Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
by Marshall Rosenberg
Chapter 4 (Workbook, plus additional notes)
Identifying and Expressing Feelings
(the second component)
1. Psychoanalyst Rollo May suggests that there are two ways to be aware of feelings: 1) like a bugle call - limited notes; or 2) like a symphony - a person can become able to differentiate feelings into as many nuances, strong and passionate experiences, or delicate and sensitive ones, as in the different passages of music in a symphony.
2. According to Rosenberg, American education tends to focus on teaching students "the right way to think" as defined by those who hold positions of rank and authority, as well to wonder: "What is it that others think is right for me to say and do?"
3. According to Rosenberg, people in certain careers such as lawyers, engineers, police officers, corporate managers, and career military personnel, have even more difficulty than the rest of us in identifying and expressing feelings because their professional codes discourage them from manifesting emotions.
4. A women expresses the following to her husband: "I feel as though I am living with a wall." 1) This kind of statement is unlikely to bring her feelings and desires to her husband's attention. 2) This is likely to be heard as criticism rather than an invitation to connect with her feelings. 3) It can lead to self-fulfilling prophecies (a husband, for example, hears himself criticized for behaving like a wall; he is hurt and discouraged and doesn't respond, thereby confirming his wife's image of him as a wall.)
5. The advantages of expressing our feelings are that expressing our vulnerability helps resolve conflicts, and it opens up communication by helping people find safety and understanding.
6. Distinguishing feelings from thoughts - When the words "I feel" could be more accurately replaced with "I think".
1) Feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by:
1) Feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by:
a) words such as that, like, as if:
"I feel that you should know better."
"I feel like a failure."
"I feel as if I'm living with a wall."
b) the pronouns I, you, he, she, they, it:
"I feel I am constantly on call."
"I feel it is useless."
c) names or nouns referring to people:
"I feel Amy has been pretty responsible."
"I feel my boss is being manipulative."
2) Distinguishing between actual feelings and those that describe what we think we are:
"I feel inadequate as a guitar player." - the actual feeling behind this assessment of being "inadequate" could be disappointment, impatience, frustration, or some other emotion, for example: "I feel disappointed in myself as a guitar player."
3) Distinguish between feelings and expressions of how we think others are reacting or behaving toward us:
"I feel unimportant to the people with whom I work." - the actual feeling behind this belief about how we think others are reacting or behaving toward us - could be sadness or discouragement.
"I feel sad when I think about the people with whom I work."
4) Distinguishing between feelings and assessments of another persons abilities.
"I feel misunderstood". (the actual feeling may be anxious or annoyed).
5) Distinguishing between feelings and interpretations of the actions of others.
"I feel ignored." (the actual feeling may be relief or hurt depending on what we are wanting).
7. The following words are example of words that are not true feelings because they have feelings mixed with evaluation:
abandoned
abused
attacked
betrayed
bullied
cheated
coerced
cornered
intimidated
let down
manipulated
misunderstood
neglected
patronized
pressured
provoked
put down
rejected
taken for granted
threatened
unappreciated
unwanted
used
8. It is better to identify specific emotions rather than depend upon expressions like "I feel good" and "I feel bad" because these vague feelings prevent the listener from connecting easily with what we might actually be feeling.
Some examples:
"I feel excited."
"I feel happy."
"I feel peaceful."
-or-
"I feel anxious."
"I feel sad."
"I feel dissatisfied."
9. For a list of feeling words visit the CNVC website:
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