Chapter 10 - Expressing Anger Fully

Chapter 10 Notes from Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

Expressing Anger Fully

The first step is to reframe how we see the other person by ridding ourselves of the idea that they are the cause of our anger.  Mistakenly seeing others as the cause leads us to express anger superficially by blaming or punishing the other person.  The behavior of others may be the stimulus for our feelings, but not the cause.  We are never angry because of what others say or do.  The first step in the process of fully expressing our anger is to realize that what other people do is never the cause of how we feel. 

The cause of anger lies in our thinking - in thoughts of blame and judgment.  Whenever we are angry we are finding fault - we choose to play God by judging or blaming the other person for being wrong or deserving of punishment.  Next, rather than going up in our head to make a mental analysis of wrongness regarding somebody, we choose to connect to the life that is within us.  This life energy is most palpable and accessible when we focus on what we need in each moment.

Example:

Someone arrives late for an appointment (the stimulus)

If our need in that moment is:

----for reassurance that she cares about us --------it might cause us to feel hurt
----to spend time purposefully and constructively ---------it might cause us to feel frustrated
----for 30 minutes of quiet solitude ----------it might cause us to feel grateful and pleased

So we can choose to focus on what needs were not met rather than judging and blaming someone.

Or...we can choose to focus on what needs were alive for the other person.

Use anger as a wake-up call -- at the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled, thus anger can be valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up - to realize we have a need that isn't being met and that we are thinking in away that makes it unlikely to be met.  Anger co-opts our energy by directing it toward punishing people rather than meeting our needs.

Replace the phrase: "I am angry because they ___________", with the phrase:  "I am angry because I am needing ___________".

[Anger is about the belief of "This is unfair" or "I am not getting what I deserve"]

Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment.

When we frighten people or cause them to feel sufficient guilt or shame so that they change their ways, this causes violence in that we may have solved an immediate problem, but we have created another problem, because the more people hear blame or judgment, the more defensive and aggressive they become, and the less they will care about our needs in the future.  Even if people do what we want now, we will pay for it later.

Chapter 9 - Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves

Chapter 9 Notes from Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

Remembering the specialness of what we are - we use NVC to evaluate ourselves in ways that engender growth rather than self-hatred.

Evaluating ourselves when we've been less than perfect - avoid "shoulding" yourself.

Translating self-judgments and inner demands - self-judgments, like all judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet needs.

NVC mourning

Self-forgiveness

We are compassionate with ourselves when we are able to embrace all parts of ourselves and recognize the needs and values expressed by each part.

Don't do anything that isn't "play" [enjoyable?]. -- We want to take action out of the desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation  -- after we gain clarity regarding the need being served by our actions, we can experience them as "play" [enjoyable] even when they involve hard work, challenge, or frustration.

Translating "have to" to "choose to"  -- With every choice you make, be conscious of what need it serves.

Cultivating awareness of the energy behind our actions -- explore the statement: "I choose to_________ because I want __________".

The following extrinsic motivations have a price to pay:
1.  For money
2.  For approval
3.  To escape punishment
4.  To avoid shame
5.  To avoid guilt
6.  Out of duty

Things that we choose to do can then come from a genuine desire to contribute to our own and others' well-being.

Chapter 8 - The Power of Empathy

Chapter 8 - Notes from Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

Empathy lies in our ability to be present.

Empathy can be healing because when we are heard we are able to re-perceive the world in a new way and move on.

We may find ourselves being defensive or apologetic, instead of empathic, in the presence of those we identify as our "superiors" (those who appear to possess more power, status, or resources.

Empathizing with others first helps us see our commonality and then we are able to open up to them and be more vulnerable.

The situations where we are the most reluctant to express vulnerability are often those where we want to maintain a "tough image" for fear of losing authority and control.

If we feel unsafe (an image that we are being humiliated or taken advantage of) we will be too wounded, angry, or scared to empathize with the other person, and would need to withdraw physically to give self some empathy or request it from a safe person, to connect with the needs triggered.  Then once we are connected with ourselves we can return and offer empathy to the other.


Using empathy to defuse danger

Empathy for hearing someone's "No!"

Empathy for reviving a lifeless conversation

Empathy for silence

Chapter 7 - Receiving Empathically

Notes and excerpts from Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

Chapter 7 - Receiving Empathically

1. Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing.

2. The mental condition that is required of us in order to extend empathy towards another person was stated by the Chinese philosopher Chuang-Tzu: "The hearing that is only in the ears in one thing.  The hearing of the understanding is another.  But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or the mind.  Hence it demands the emptiness of all the faculties.  And when the faculties are empty, then the whole being listens.  There is then a direct grasp of what is right there before you that can never be heard with the ear or understood with the mind."  Empathy requires emptying the mind and listening with our whole being:  when we have successfully shed all preconceived ideas and judgments about them.

Chapter 6 - Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life

A brief review of previous chapters:  The first component of NVC is making an observation that is free of evaluation, the second component is expressing the true feeling(s) that are arising, and the third component is taking responsibility for our feelings by acknowledging the unmet human need(s)/value(s) that are causing our feelings.

Chapter 6 – Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life

Notes from Chapter 6:  Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg

The fourth component of NVC addresses the question of what we would like to request of others in order to enrich life for us.  We ask for actions that might fulfill our needs.

1. Make requests that use positive action language – we express what we are requesting.

Avoid making a request of what we don’t want (for example:  “Don’t do that.”)  There are two problems that can happen if a request is worded in the negative:  1) people are often confused or unclear as to what is actually being requested, and 2) negative requests are likely to provoke resistance.

Example:

A.  “Please don’t spend so much time at work.” (a request worded in the negative)

B.  “Would you be willing to spend at least one evening a week at home with the children and me.” (a request worded with positive action language)

2. Make requests that are clear and with concrete action language that reveals what we really want.  Word our requests in the form of concrete actions that others can undertake. 

Avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing:  1) Sometimes the use of vague and abstract language can mask the desire to maintain control and get needs met at the expense of the other person’s need; 2) vague requests are likely to provoke a defensive response.

Example: an employer inviting feedback from employees:

A.  ”I want you to feel free to express yourself around me.” (a vague request)

B.  “I’d like you to tell me what I might do to make it easier for you to feel free to express yourselves around me.” (a clear, positive, concrete action request)

--Requests that use vague language contribute to internal confusion and indicate that we are not clear about what we actually want.  Sometimes  a person believes that they have a need for love that manifests in a wish for the other to guess for them what their need or value might be before they are even aware of those needs themselves.  This lack of awareness of what we want from others can contribute to frustration and depression. 

3. Make requests consciously – engage in a dialog with someone (don’t talk at them).

Example:

A. “I’m annoyed you forgot the butter and onions I asked you to pick up for dinner.” (a vague request - a wife assumes that the husband will understand that she wants him to go back to the store, however the husband assumes that her words were intended solely to make him feel guilty).

B. “I see that you didn’t buy any butter or onions.  Would you be willing to go back to the store to buy them and bring them back home at the latest by 5:30 pm?” (a clear, positive, concrete request)

-- The clearer we are on what we want back from the other person, the more likely it is that our needs will be met.

-- Whenever we say something to another person we are requesting something in return:
1) requesting an empathetic connection – a verbal or nonverbal acknowledgment that our words have been understood;  2) requesting honest feedback – we wish to know the listener’s honest reaction to our words;  3) requesting an action the would fulfill our needs.

4. Asking for a Reflection – to make sure that the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back. 

The message we send is not always the message that’s received.  We generally rely on verbal cues to determine whether our message has been understood to our satisfaction.  If, however, we’re uncertain that it has been received as intended, we need to be able to clearly request a response that tells us how the message was heard so as to be able to correct any misunderstanding.  On some occasions, a simple question like, “Is that clear?” will suffice.  At other times, we need more than “Yes, I understood you,” to feel confident that we’ve been truly understood.  At such times, we might ask others to reflect back in their own words what they heard us say.  We then have the opportunity to restate parts of our message to address any discrepancy or omission we might have noticed in their reflection.

Example:  a teacher approaches a student

Teacher asks: “Peter, I got concerned when I checked my record book yesterday.  I want to make sure you’re aware of the homework I missing from you.  Will you drop by my office after school?”

Student replies: “Okay, I know.”

Teacher asks for a reflection: “Could you tell me what you just heard me say?”

Student replies: “You said I gotta miss soccer to stay after school because you didn’t like my homework.”

5. Express appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection – An assertion like “You didn’t hear me,” or That’s not what I said.” Or “Your misunderstanding me,” may easily lead someone to think or feel like they are being chastised.

Example:  the teacher perceives Peter as having sincerely responded to her request for a reflection.

Teacher : “Thank you for telling me what you heard.  I can see that I didn’t make myself as clear as I’d have liked, so let me try again.”

6. Empathize with the listener who doesn’t want to reflect back - When we first begin asking others to reflect back what they hear us say, it may feel awkward and strange because such requests are rarely made.  When I emphasize the importance of our ability to ask for reflections, people often express reservations.  They are worried about reactions like, “What do you think I am –deaf?” or “Quit playing your psychological games.”  To prevent such responses, we can explain to people ahead of time why we may sometimes ask them to reflect back our words.  We make clear that we’re not testing their listening skills, but checking out whether we’ve expressed ourselves clearly.  However, should the listener retort, “I heard what you said; I’m not stupid!”, we have the option to focus on their feelings and needs and ask – either aloud or silently, “Are you saying you’re feeling annoyed because you want respect for your ability to understand things?”

7. Requesting feedback (to understand what is alive for the other person in response to our request) – after we express ourselves vulnerably, we often want to know:

a) what the listener is feeling – the feelings that are stimulated by what we said, and possible needs/values causing those feelings.

b) what the listener is thinking – our listener’s thoughts in response to what they just heard us say.

c) whether the listener would be willing to take a particular action.

8. When speaking (and making a request) in a group - it is important to be clear about what we are wanting back from everyone because if we are unclear about the response we’d like (what kind of understanding or what kind of honest response we want back from them), then we initiate unproductive conversations and discussions that will end up not satisfying anyone’s needs (and which will waste the precious group time).

Requests vs. Demands

Requests unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs may sound like a demand.

A request may be received as a demand when the other person believes they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply.

When the other person hears a demand from us, they see two options: 1) submit; 2) rebel.  Either way, the person requesting is perceived as coercive, and the listener’s capacity to respond compassionately to the request is diminished.

The more we have in the past blamed, punished, or “laid guilt trips” on others when they haven’t responded to our requests, the higher the likelihood that our requests will now be heard as demands.  We also pay for the use of such tactics by others.  To the degree that people in our lives have been blamed, punished, or urged to feel guilty for not doing what others have requested, the more likely they are to carry this baggage to every subsequent relationship and hear a demand in any request.

How to tell if it is a request or a demand? Observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with:

1) It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges the other person after they hear that the answer is “no”.

2) It’s a demand if the speaker then “lays a guilt trip” on the other person after they hear that the answer is “no”.

We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating that we would only want the person to comply if he or she can do so willingly.

A. “I would like you to set the table.” (a demand)

B. “Would you be willing to set the table?” (a request) or “Would you like to set the table?”

It’s a request when the speaker can empathize with the other person’s feelings and needs after they say “no”.  We demonstrate that we are making a request rather than a demand by how we respond when others don’t comply.  Choosing to request rather than demand does not mean we give up when someone says “no” to our request.  It does mean that we don’t engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what’s preventing the other person from saying “yes”.

Our primary purpose is a commitment to the quality of the relationship – Expressing genuine requests also requires and awareness of our objective.  If our objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get our way, then NVC is not an appropriate tool.  The process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately.  The objective of NVC is to establish a relationship based on honesty and empathy.  When others trust that our primary commitment is to the quality of the relationship, and that we expect this process to fulfill everyone’s needs, then they can trust that our requests are true requests and not camouflaged demands.

When making a request, it is also helpful to scan our minds for thoughts of the following sort that automatically transform requests into demands:

- He should be cleaning up after himself.

- She’s supposed to do what I ask.
- I deserve to get a raise.
- I’m justified in having them stay later.
- I have a right to more time off.

Chapter 5 - Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings

Notes from the book Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg

“People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.” --Epictetus

1) The third component of NVC is acknowledgment of the root of our feelings.

2) We become aware that what others say and do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but never the cause of our feelings.  Our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as our particular needs and expectations in that moment.

3) When someone gives us a negative message, whether verbally or nonverbally, we have four options as to how to receive it:

- To take it personally by hearing blame and criticism (accepting the other person’s judgment and blaming ourselves) which inclines us to feelings of guilt, shame, and depression, and at a great cost to our self-esteem.

- To blame the speaker by asserting that they are wrong and have no right to say what they said, and thereby being likely to feel anger.

- Sensing our own feelings and needs by shining the light of consciousness (focusing our attention) on our own feelings and needs. (There might be a current feeling of hurt because of unmet need for respect or recognition).

- Sensing others’ feelings and needs by shining the light of consciousness on the other person’s feelings and needs as they are currently expressed.

4) We accept responsibility rather than blame other people for our feelings by acknowledging our own needs, desires, and expectations, values, or thoughts.

Example:

A: “ You disappointed me by not coming over last evening.” (blaming the other)
B: “I was disappointed when you didn’t come over, because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me.” (taking responsibility)

5) Guilt-tripping is a mechanism of motivation by guilt by attributing the responsibility for one’s own feelings to others.  If someone changes their behavior in accordance to the others' wishes, they are not acting from the heart, but acting to avoid guilt.

6) Some common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings:

-  The use of impersonal pronouns such as “it” and “that”:  “It really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures.” “ That bugs me a lot.”

- Statements that mention only the actions of others:

“When you don’t call me on my birthday, I feel hurt.”  “Mommy is disappointed when you don’t finish your food.”

- The use of the expression “I feel (an emotion) because…” followed by a person or personal pronoun other than “I”:  “I feel hurt because you said you don’t love me.” “I feel angry because the supervisor broke her promise.”

7) In each of these instances, we can deepen our awareness of our own responsibility by substituting the phrase , “I feel…because I…”

“I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in our public brochures, because I have an expectation for our company to project a professional image.”

“I feel angry that the supervisor broke her promise, because I was expecting on getting that long weekend to visit my brother.”

8) Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs.  If someone says, “You never understand me,” they are really telling us that their need to be understood in not being fulfilled.  If a wife says, “You’ve been working late every night this week; you love your work more than you love me,” she is saying that her need for intimacy is not being met.

9) If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.

10) When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism.  And when people hear anything that sounds like criticism they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack.  If we are wishing for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior.  Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs the easier it is for others to respond compassionately to our needs.

11) Unfortunately, most of us have never been taught to think in terms of needs.  We are accustomed to thinking about what’s wrong with other people when our needs aren’t being fulfilled.  Thus, if we want coats to be hung up in the closet, we may characterize our children as lazy for leaving then on the couch.  Or we may interpret our co-workers as being irresponsible when they don’t go about their tasks as we would prefer them to.

12) If we don’t value our own needs others may not either.

13) In a world where we are often harshly judged for identifying and revealing our needs, doing so can be frightening, especially for women who are socialized to ignore their own needs while caring for others.

14) Three stages in the development from emotional slavery to emotional liberation:

Stage 1:  Emotional Slavery – we believe ourselves responsible for the feelings of others.  We think we must constantly strive to keep everyone happy.  If they don’t appear happy, we feel responsible and compelled to do something about it.  This can easily led us to see the very people who are closest to us as burdens.  This can particularly happen in intimate relationships if someone experiences love as denial of one’s own needs in order to attend to the needs of the beloved.

Stage 2:  “Obnoxious”:  we feel angry; we no longer want to be responsible for others’ feelings.  In this stage we become aware of the high costs of assuming responsibility for others’ feelings and trying to accommodate them at our own expense.  When we notice how much of our lives we’ve missed and how little we have responded to the call of our own soul, we may get angry.  We tend toward comments like:  “That’s your problem!  I’m not responsible for your feelings!”  when presented with another person’s pain.  We are clear what we are not responsible for, but have yet to learn how to be responsible to others in a way that is not emotionally enslaving.

As we emerge from the stage of emotional enslavement, we may continue to carry remnants of fear and guilt around having our own needs.  Thus it is not surprising that we end up expressing those needs in ways that sound rigid and unyielding to the ears of others.  In this stage we have yet to grasp that emotional liberation entails more than simply asserting our own needs.

Stage 3:  Emotional liberation: we take responsibility for our intentions and actions.  We respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame.  Our actions are therefore fulfilling to us, as well as to those who receive our efforts.  We accept full responsibility for our own intentions and actions, but not for the feelings of others.  At this stage we are aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others.  Emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of other be fulfilled.

 Follow this link to learn about the "Needs Inventory":  http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

 

Chapter 4 - Identifying and Expressing Feelings

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

by Marshall Rosenberg

 

Chapter 4 (Workbook, plus additional notes)

Identifying and Expressing Feelings

(the second component)

 

1.  Psychoanalyst Rollo May suggests that there are two ways to be aware of feelings:  1) like a bugle call - limited notes; or 2) like a symphony - a person can become able to differentiate feelings into as many nuances, strong and passionate experiences, or delicate and sensitive ones, as in the different passages of music in a symphony.

 

2.  According to Rosenberg, American education tends to focus on teaching students "the right way to think" as defined by those who hold positions of rank and authority, as well to wonder: "What is it that others think is right for me to say and do?"

 

3.  According to Rosenberg, people in certain careers such as lawyers, engineers, police officers, corporate managers, and career military personnel, have even more difficulty than the rest of us in identifying and expressing feelings because their professional codes discourage them from manifesting emotions.

 

4.  A women expresses the following to her husband: "I feel as though I am living with a wall."  1) This kind of statement is unlikely to bring her feelings and desires to her husband's attention.  2) This is likely to be heard as criticism rather than an invitation to connect with her feelings.  3) It can lead to self-fulfilling prophecies (a husband, for example, hears himself criticized for behaving like a wall; he is hurt and discouraged and doesn't respond, thereby confirming his wife's image of him as a wall.)

 

5.  The advantages of expressing our feelings are that expressing our vulnerability helps resolve conflicts, and it opens up communication by helping people find safety and understanding.

 

6.  Distinguishing feelings from thoughts - When the words "I feel" could be more accurately replaced with "I think". 

1) Feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by:

 

a) words such as that, like, as if:

"I feel that you should know better."

"I feel like a failure."

"I feel as if I'm living with a wall."

 

b) the pronouns I, you, he, she, they, it:

"I feel I am constantly on call."

"I feel it is useless."

 

c) names or nouns referring to people:

"I feel Amy has been pretty responsible."

"I feel my boss is being manipulative."

 

2) Distinguishing between actual feelings and those that describe what we think we are:

 

"I feel inadequate as a guitar player." - the actual feeling behind this assessment of being "inadequate" could be disappointment, impatience, frustration, or some other emotion, for example: "I feel disappointed in myself as a guitar player."

 

3) Distinguish between feelings and expressions of how we think others are reacting or behaving toward us:

 

"I feel unimportant to the people with whom I work." - the actual feeling behind this belief about how we think others are reacting or behaving toward us - could be sadness or discouragement.

"I feel sad when I think about the people with whom I work."

 

4) Distinguishing between feelings and assessments of another persons abilities.

"I feel misunderstood".  (the actual feeling may be anxious or annoyed).

 

5) Distinguishing between feelings and interpretations of the actions of others.

"I feel ignored." (the actual feeling may be relief or hurt depending on what we are wanting).

 

7.  The following words are example of words that are not true feelings because they have feelings mixed with evaluation:

 

abandoned

abused

attacked

betrayed

bullied

cheated

coerced

cornered

intimidated

let down

manipulated

misunderstood

neglected

patronized

pressured

provoked

put down

rejected

taken for granted

threatened

unappreciated

unwanted

used

8.  It is better to identify specific emotions rather than depend upon expressions like "I feel good" and "I feel bad" because these vague feelings prevent the listener from connecting easily with what we might actually be feeling.

Some examples:

"I feel excited."
"I feel happy."
"I feel peaceful."
 -or-
"I feel anxious."
"I feel sad."
"I feel dissatisfied."
 

9.  For a list of feeling words visit the CNVC website:

http://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory